What the pros are saying...

Dr. John Lund, noted interpersonal relationships and communications researcher: "Alan and Renita Cassidy have truly looked behind the mask of a smiling face... Behind the Smiling Faces has only one objective. It is to help you and your loved ones become your highest and best selves."

Paul Brandt, author of Alone But Not Lonely: "Behind the Smiling Faces is a book that is long overdue. Such candor and insight can be a vital transfusion to those who face the challenges of sustaining or ending intimate, committed partnerships. Buy it. Read it. And most importantly, live it!"

Matt Townsend, relationship expert and coach: "A book that needed to be written. For the first time, Church members tell their stories from the inside -- it's powerful stuff."

A Look in the Book...

We have this idealized image that everyone has the perfect marriage except us, but every married couple is dealing with some issue. [Dr. Brent Barlow, chapter 8]

My biggest regret is taking the wrong path. If I had it to do over again I wouldn’t take Justin for granted...I didn’t realize how fragile he was, that he had a breaking point. [Stephanie, 28, divorced, section II]

We like difference. Then we marry the opposite and we’re stupid enough to want to spend our life fixing them to be like us, which would make us and them miserable. [Dr. Taylor Hartman, chapter 1]

Now that the kids are gone and the nest is empty, it is really empty. Enrico doesn’t seem to fill the void that I thought he would. [Maria, married, chapter 21]

Many couples don’t understand the temple marriage commitment. They get caught up in the day-to-day living and this culture that glorifies individual needs and wants and desires and immediate gratification. [Dr. Tom Holman, chapter 2]

The abuse began within a month of getting married. He dragged me out of the apartment by my hair. He locked the door and said, "You can come back in when you stop crying." It was humiliating. [Barbara, former beauty queen, divorced, chapter 29]

A lot of marriages fall apart because there are severe financial problems. I am appalled at the lack of preparation, the lack of thought about what it takes to provide a house, transportation, schooling, food, clothing, for not only themselves, but for their children. [Randy Hudson, chapter 10]

Church can be really painful when you’re first divorced. I used to go to the church where we all went as a family. I used to teach Sunday School there with Renee; it’s where I baptized my children. So it’s all the same except that all your children march in with a new guy and you’re sitting there thinking, There’s something wrong with this picture. [George, divorced, chapter 22]

If women knew the emotional and physical damage caused simply by living in the same home where abuse occurs, they would leave for the same reason they have stayed: for their children’s sake. [Betty McMaster, chapter 7]

Every Sunday I put on my smiley face and we walked into church looking like the perfect family. No one knew the truth. [Gwen, divorced, section II]

They have to control you. Usually, a narcissist in a severe form only has two speeds: control or destroy. [Dr. Suzanne Dastrup, chapter 6]

My mission president used to say that the people who will make it to the terrestrial kingdom are the people who follow all the rules, and the people who will make it to the celestial kingdom are the people who learn to embrace the rules for the love of Christ. [Gary, happily married, chapter 12]

All frustration comes from unmet expectations. Everybody thinks that their expectations are reasonable and realistic and that somebody else has the problem. It's a blind spot for most of us. [Dr. John Lund, chapter 11]



Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Happiness

"The happiness of married life depends upon making small sacrifices with readiness and cheerfullness."
John Seldon (1584-1654)

Monday, July 20, 2009

FEEDBACK

It would be extremely helpful to us -- but moreso to our readers -- to hear from you. Feedback to our blog is vital -- your ideas -- thoughts -- marriage advice or experience you'd be willing to share. And it doesn't have to directly relate to our book. You'd help us...and our audience.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Onions in the Butter Tub

Looking forward to the breakfast in front of me, I sipped at my protein drink and took a bite of honey wheat English muffin. Ugh, what's that taste? Garlic? Yech. I downed it anyway then forgot about it. Until the next morning. I buttered the toasty muffin... What's that chunk? I lean closer. I sniff. Onion. I sniff the tub. Oh great, the whole darn thing is contaminated. Slightly annoyed, Renita the Detective (a personality test actually labeled me a detective) takes action. I sleuth my way to the only other person in the house... Alan. Sure enough, it happened the other evening ... when he was making dinner ... for me. Still annoyed? Not so much.

My son came to mind. Micah loved peanut butter. I mean, he LOVED peanut butter. At Micah's funeral his friend talked about the roommates finding peanut butter in everything. Jam. Mayo. Ice cream. Knowing chuckles could be heard around the chapel. I don't know if peanut butter contamination was ever an annoyance, but it had now become a tender memory.

We all have our pet peeves. Petty peeves, perhaps? Marriage can be full of them. It's not so much that they're there, but how we react to them. Do you find yourself adding yet another to a long list of grievances? Does your blood pressure spike as you seethe in silence? Do you fly into a rage? If you answered yes to any of the above, you can bet the peeves are only symptoms of something much bigger. It might be time to invest in a marriage counselor.

Or maybe it's time to remember that you love this person you're going to spend eternity with. And remember that he's not perfect. And neither are you.

Maybe someday onions in the butter tub will become a tender memory. But for now, I've stashed a fresh tub in a safe place and labeled it "contamination-free zone."

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Settled wisdom

"Those marriages generally abound most with love and constancy that are preceded by a long courtship." Joseph Addison

Included in that long courtship should be the airing of concerns discussed in our book, both by the experts and the regular folk, the answers to which will play out during marriage --understanding each other's core values, expectations, strengths and weaknesses -- seeing each other in less-than-perfect situations -- spiritual congruence -- future in-laws -- humor...all of which are vitally important. A long courtship ensures the necessary time and thought to put everything on the table without pressure. If ignored or subverted, too often they find oxygen later on in the marriage to the potential detriment of the relationship. Communication, as we hear infinitum, is crucial, before and during marriage.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Wise Counsel

This is a well-known quote with relevance beyond marriage...BUT it sure applies to the relationship you have with your spouse:

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to perceive." Sir Walter Scott

One of the interviewees in our book has said simply: "Never lie to your wife." Good advice...of course it also applies to the husband. There's nothing that complicates a relationship better than lying.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

The Color of Character

The first chapter in our book is entitled "The Color of Marriage", an interview with Dr. Taylor Hartman who defines the unique personalities we are each born with -- the four types are given colors (white, red, yellow, blue). Dr. Hartman's purpose in his book, The Color Code, is to help us better understand ourselves and others.

While we are each born with our personalities, it is predominantly character which determines the quality of our lives. He says, "Character is essentially anything we learn to think, feel, or do that is initially unnatural and requires effort to develop." He goes on to list several components essential for character development: free will, selecting positive influences in our lives, and identifying positive life principles.

Continuing, he adds that developing character is a way we can balance our personalties. (Each of the four color types has negative aspects.) "Unless we build character, we remain unfulfilled and limited. Character allows us to most fully enjoy an exciting and productive life."

There may be no greater challenge or opportunity to develop character than within the institution of marriage.