What the pros are saying...

Dr. John Lund, noted interpersonal relationships and communications researcher: "Alan and Renita Cassidy have truly looked behind the mask of a smiling face... Behind the Smiling Faces has only one objective. It is to help you and your loved ones become your highest and best selves."

Paul Brandt, author of Alone But Not Lonely: "Behind the Smiling Faces is a book that is long overdue. Such candor and insight can be a vital transfusion to those who face the challenges of sustaining or ending intimate, committed partnerships. Buy it. Read it. And most importantly, live it!"

Matt Townsend, relationship expert and coach: "A book that needed to be written. For the first time, Church members tell their stories from the inside -- it's powerful stuff."

A Look in the Book...

We have this idealized image that everyone has the perfect marriage except us, but every married couple is dealing with some issue. [Dr. Brent Barlow, chapter 8]

My biggest regret is taking the wrong path. If I had it to do over again I wouldn’t take Justin for granted...I didn’t realize how fragile he was, that he had a breaking point. [Stephanie, 28, divorced, section II]

We like difference. Then we marry the opposite and we’re stupid enough to want to spend our life fixing them to be like us, which would make us and them miserable. [Dr. Taylor Hartman, chapter 1]

Now that the kids are gone and the nest is empty, it is really empty. Enrico doesn’t seem to fill the void that I thought he would. [Maria, married, chapter 21]

Many couples don’t understand the temple marriage commitment. They get caught up in the day-to-day living and this culture that glorifies individual needs and wants and desires and immediate gratification. [Dr. Tom Holman, chapter 2]

The abuse began within a month of getting married. He dragged me out of the apartment by my hair. He locked the door and said, "You can come back in when you stop crying." It was humiliating. [Barbara, former beauty queen, divorced, chapter 29]

A lot of marriages fall apart because there are severe financial problems. I am appalled at the lack of preparation, the lack of thought about what it takes to provide a house, transportation, schooling, food, clothing, for not only themselves, but for their children. [Randy Hudson, chapter 10]

Church can be really painful when you’re first divorced. I used to go to the church where we all went as a family. I used to teach Sunday School there with Renee; it’s where I baptized my children. So it’s all the same except that all your children march in with a new guy and you’re sitting there thinking, There’s something wrong with this picture. [George, divorced, chapter 22]

If women knew the emotional and physical damage caused simply by living in the same home where abuse occurs, they would leave for the same reason they have stayed: for their children’s sake. [Betty McMaster, chapter 7]

Every Sunday I put on my smiley face and we walked into church looking like the perfect family. No one knew the truth. [Gwen, divorced, section II]

They have to control you. Usually, a narcissist in a severe form only has two speeds: control or destroy. [Dr. Suzanne Dastrup, chapter 6]

My mission president used to say that the people who will make it to the terrestrial kingdom are the people who follow all the rules, and the people who will make it to the celestial kingdom are the people who learn to embrace the rules for the love of Christ. [Gary, happily married, chapter 12]

All frustration comes from unmet expectations. Everybody thinks that their expectations are reasonable and realistic and that somebody else has the problem. It's a blind spot for most of us. [Dr. John Lund, chapter 11]



Monday, May 11, 2009

Who Said Marriage is Fun?

Marie Osmond said something to the effect that "with time, tragedy turns into a good story" (or something funny). After living a few years I realize this to be true. When making a documentary on rodeos several years ago, I mistakenly got in the way of a 1,200 lb. Brahma bull who -- as they say in the rodeo biz -- "freight-trained" me. Ripped my pants, busted my Nagra tape recorder, and tore off a thumb nail. But soon thereafter it was funny -- the rodeo clowns took me to a western bar and poured hydrogen peroxide on it over a sink and basically told me to get over it. Compared to ruptured spleens and broken collarbones, it was a flesh wound. I saved my ripped pants for years...for my "museum". Lots a' luck, Al.

There's nothing funny about divorce, although -- if you look hard enough -- there are exceptions. As our book details in sometimes lofty, painful, and sad stories, marriage is the most difficult relationship in life. It can be so complicated, so frustrating...at the same time there is nothing more joyful than a good marriage...and it is absolutely possible. Shake out selfishness, add plentiful love and attention and compromise and sacrifice...and it can work.

I was raised in a family of wonderful humor (thanks to my parents) -- it became a coping mechanism (like the painful, rhythmic blues of the south) -- it was a view of life, a way to look at ourselves and others. I didn't have to try with my children. Today I have breakfast with them and the conversation is a hoot -- each funny in his/her own way -- they make me laugh and, in turn, I leave them with my endorphins popping and my capillaries wide open. Humor is medicinal. They are not shallow, nor silly. They have heart, spirit, and humor.

You can't make someone "see life funny" if it's not there, I suppose. But I believe it to be essential in a marriage and -- if I may share something personal -- in your most intimate moments, it is an absolute ice-breaker. Especially when each is vulnerable and tender. Except for the temple, I see humor as one of the most vital ingredients in life and therefore marriage.

Don't take yourself so seriously. Get over yourself. Have fun. If marriage isn't fun...what are you doing wrong? You think it's supposed to be all seriousness, gloom and doom? You'll live longer and your marriage will be happier if you find "funny" in this most-important relationship. I'd love to hear how humor in your marriage has worked...

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