A few years ago when I was living in L.A., I listened on the radio as a UCLA professor of Marriage & Family Therapy responded to a caller's question that went something like this: "I understand it's not healthy to criticize your spouse, but what if that spouse deserves it, can't you do it in a friendly way?"
The simple answer from the professor was brutally direct: "Never, never criticize your spouse."
We all make mistakes. We all do things which may be stupid or wrong-headed. But criticism is dangerous and too often hurtful.
Which leads us into another question: when your spouse says something which offends you, there are two responses...(1) you stuff it (you just swallow the hurt and say nothing) -- which can go in two directions: it may be healthier to let it go, believing it's not important OR becoming silent without airing the hurt which may not be healthy, although it avoids confrontation. Or (2) you do as one of the healthier couples in our book suggests at such a time, say something like, "Honey, I know you love me, but what you said was hurtful, so can we talk about it?"
I know this has to be a challenge for all marriages. Say nothing and let it go because it's not worth it; say nothing when it's important to you which can fester bad feelings, or bring it out in the open, hopefully to be aired with love and listening and understanding. All of us who are married must deal with this. It's something to think about...or better, talk to your spouse about BEFORE the need arises. Stuffing happens other than at Thanksgiving -- and it's not very tasty if ignored.
What the pros are saying...
Dr. John Lund, noted interpersonal relationships and communications researcher: "Alan and Renita Cassidy have truly looked behind the mask of a smiling face... Behind the Smiling Faces has only one objective. It is to help you and your loved ones become your highest and best selves."
Paul Brandt, author of Alone But Not Lonely: "Behind the Smiling Faces is a book that is long overdue. Such candor and insight can be a vital transfusion to those who face the challenges of sustaining or ending intimate, committed partnerships. Buy it. Read it. And most importantly, live it!"
Matt Townsend, relationship expert and coach: "A book that needed to be written. For the first time, Church members tell their stories from the inside -- it's powerful stuff."
Paul Brandt, author of Alone But Not Lonely: "Behind the Smiling Faces is a book that is long overdue. Such candor and insight can be a vital transfusion to those who face the challenges of sustaining or ending intimate, committed partnerships. Buy it. Read it. And most importantly, live it!"
Matt Townsend, relationship expert and coach: "A book that needed to be written. For the first time, Church members tell their stories from the inside -- it's powerful stuff."
A Look in the Book...
We have this idealized image that everyone has the perfect marriage except us, but every married couple is dealing with some issue. [Dr. Brent Barlow, chapter 8]
My biggest regret is taking the wrong path. If I had it to do over again I wouldn’t take Justin for granted...I didn’t realize how fragile he was, that he had a breaking point. [Stephanie, 28, divorced, section II]
We like difference. Then we marry the opposite and we’re stupid enough to want to spend our life fixing them to be like us, which would make us and them miserable. [Dr. Taylor Hartman, chapter 1]
Now that the kids are gone and the nest is empty, it is really empty. Enrico doesn’t seem to fill the void that I thought he would. [Maria, married, chapter 21]
Many couples don’t understand the temple marriage commitment. They get caught up in the day-to-day living and this culture that glorifies individual needs and wants and desires and immediate gratification. [Dr. Tom Holman, chapter 2]
The abuse began within a month of getting married. He dragged me out of the apartment by my hair. He locked the door and said, "You can come back in when you stop crying." It was humiliating. [Barbara, former beauty queen, divorced, chapter 29]
A lot of marriages fall apart because there are severe financial problems. I am appalled at the lack of preparation, the lack of thought about what it takes to provide a house, transportation, schooling, food, clothing, for not only themselves, but for their children. [Randy Hudson, chapter 10]
Church can be really painful when you’re first divorced. I used to go to the church where we all went as a family. I used to teach Sunday School there with Renee; it’s where I baptized my children. So it’s all the same except that all your children march in with a new guy and you’re sitting there thinking, There’s something wrong with this picture. [George, divorced, chapter 22]
If women knew the emotional and physical damage caused simply by living in the same home where abuse occurs, they would leave for the same reason they have stayed: for their children’s sake. [Betty McMaster, chapter 7]
Every Sunday I put on my smiley face and we walked into church looking like the perfect family. No one knew the truth. [Gwen, divorced, section II]
They have to control you. Usually, a narcissist in a severe form only has two speeds: control or destroy. [Dr. Suzanne Dastrup, chapter 6]
My mission president used to say that the people who will make it to the terrestrial kingdom are the people who follow all the rules, and the people who will make it to the celestial kingdom are the people who learn to embrace the rules for the love of Christ. [Gary, happily married, chapter 12]
All frustration comes from unmet expectations. Everybody thinks that their expectations are reasonable and realistic and that somebody else has the problem. It's a blind spot for most of us. [Dr. John Lund, chapter 11]
My biggest regret is taking the wrong path. If I had it to do over again I wouldn’t take Justin for granted...I didn’t realize how fragile he was, that he had a breaking point. [Stephanie, 28, divorced, section II]
We like difference. Then we marry the opposite and we’re stupid enough to want to spend our life fixing them to be like us, which would make us and them miserable. [Dr. Taylor Hartman, chapter 1]
Now that the kids are gone and the nest is empty, it is really empty. Enrico doesn’t seem to fill the void that I thought he would. [Maria, married, chapter 21]
Many couples don’t understand the temple marriage commitment. They get caught up in the day-to-day living and this culture that glorifies individual needs and wants and desires and immediate gratification. [Dr. Tom Holman, chapter 2]
The abuse began within a month of getting married. He dragged me out of the apartment by my hair. He locked the door and said, "You can come back in when you stop crying." It was humiliating. [Barbara, former beauty queen, divorced, chapter 29]
A lot of marriages fall apart because there are severe financial problems. I am appalled at the lack of preparation, the lack of thought about what it takes to provide a house, transportation, schooling, food, clothing, for not only themselves, but for their children. [Randy Hudson, chapter 10]
Church can be really painful when you’re first divorced. I used to go to the church where we all went as a family. I used to teach Sunday School there with Renee; it’s where I baptized my children. So it’s all the same except that all your children march in with a new guy and you’re sitting there thinking, There’s something wrong with this picture. [George, divorced, chapter 22]
If women knew the emotional and physical damage caused simply by living in the same home where abuse occurs, they would leave for the same reason they have stayed: for their children’s sake. [Betty McMaster, chapter 7]
Every Sunday I put on my smiley face and we walked into church looking like the perfect family. No one knew the truth. [Gwen, divorced, section II]
They have to control you. Usually, a narcissist in a severe form only has two speeds: control or destroy. [Dr. Suzanne Dastrup, chapter 6]
My mission president used to say that the people who will make it to the terrestrial kingdom are the people who follow all the rules, and the people who will make it to the celestial kingdom are the people who learn to embrace the rules for the love of Christ. [Gary, happily married, chapter 12]
All frustration comes from unmet expectations. Everybody thinks that their expectations are reasonable and realistic and that somebody else has the problem. It's a blind spot for most of us. [Dr. John Lund, chapter 11]
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
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